I, ME AND MYSELF: Hope

‘Mum I think I don’t intend to marry right away’. I guess this is one line, every mother dreads when you reach marriageable age. I am no exception in this case. All was well till I was studying and the minute I am into graduation hell broke on me. Every day I am asked the same question ‘when will you marry’ from my near and dear ones, when my facial muscles start showing slight trepidation the next question is quickly shot. ‘Do you have someone in your mind’?

Phew!! Ladies and gentleman welcome to the world of mid 20’s a time of your life when you become financially independent, when your aspirations are soaring high, when the world is not enough for you. When suddenly pop stars and Hollywood / Bollywood actors are no longer your idols and the likes of Bill Gates seems like iconic figures for you. And amidst all these ambitious dreams you are frequently awaken to reality and coaxed with that appalling line of marriage. This period of life with a sobriquet ‘Quarter life’ is a stretch where you experience radical changes in all aspects of your life and like everyone else I find these changes creeping in my lifestyle.

With changes I refer to all the subtle changes, the essential changes, the ego boasting changes, and the ego crushing changes. I pen down some of the illustrations of all these changes that have come in my life as swiftly as if they were with me right from birth.

With subtle changes I refer to the changes which are bound to happen, when you start earning. For instance one has to pay taxes and do tax returns at the end of the year which until now was just a theoretical concept learnt during exams and forgotten the very next day. This now is a kind of yogic kriya which you got to do in order to lead a peaceful and calm life. Paying bills, buying grocery a concept so alien turns out to be as much a reality as your own existence.

The Essential changes are the ones that had to come if one has to survive the quarter life. So you are more concerned about the nutrients intake for your body, whose onus till recently was on your mother but now becomes a part of your daily thoughts for the very simple reason one doesn’t want to fall sick when one is alone. The hesitation to talk to strangers fades away because it seems one is in constant contact with strangers. Slowly and gradually the ‘fearful little girl’ becomes the ‘Fearless Nadia’.

Next are the ego boasting changes. They are the ones loved by all, cherished by all and will be definitely written in golden letters, when one decides to write his/her biography.For illustration the pride in you, when you become the idol for someone, while you are just performing a mundane act of yours, when seniors start appreciating you, when you yourself start appreciating yourself for a remarkable job and the icing on the cake when your parents with pride flaunt your achievements.

Then they are the ego crushing changes. Awwhhh!! The ones you want to bury deep in ground and hope nobody gets a chance to dig them. These are the changes from which the terms like loser, failure etc find there origin. For example how a single mistake of yours is blown out of proportion as it has a mammoth like consequence, when an act of ignorance results in a deadly aftermath. When it seems that there was no fault of yours but all fingers point at you. These are the changes which you want to erase from your memory as soon as possible but they crawl in your thoughts with a very high frequency and bring guilt and dejection along.

One change which every one feels but you really don’t have words to describe this or at least I fall short of vocabulary for it. This is the one where it seems the entire universe is conspiring to get you married and you alone are resisting from it. This is the change where the entire world is in search for your soul mate and you are in this constant mode of finding flaws with their findings. So predominant is this change that it rattles in your mind and leads to mentioning of it in the start and end of an article by a person going thru this stage of life. I have reached a conclusion, the fear one feels for this change is the fear of losing one’s independence and the fear of taking the extra responsibility.

So changed is the life after these changes that you are a complete changed person. You feel the all these changes are happening right in front of you and you have no power to change them. Then hey!! What the heck, changes are the spice of life!!! Isn't it???

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I'm there but you don't see me,

I scream but you don't hear me,

So why do I keep trying?

I lie but you can't see it,

I'm in pain but you don't acknowledge it,

So I'll just keep on dying.

Then you came along,

Turned my world upside down.

You made me smile,

Whenever I would frown.

Then you made me fall in love,

Shot me throught the heart.

And I hope to myself,

You won't tear me apart.

Like all those other guys,

Who enjoyed my pain.

Enjoyed how they

Could drive me insane.

I hope that you'll be different,

That you'll help me heal.

I hope that you'll finally care enough,

To teach me how it feels.

To theach me about happiness,

To teach me if it's really love.

To finally bring me peace,

Like a pure little dove...

January 18, 2009

I wanna be free

November 17, 2008

" Changes " – A Quarter Life Phenomena

November 16, 2008

" Be Yourself "

November 6, 2008

Untitled Relationship

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