Missing my friend

I truly believe we all have one soulmate and very few are fortunate enough to ever make that connection. I met mine eighteen years too late. Ultimately, we lacked the courage to upset so many other lives and we parted painfully. Perhaps it was a brave decision rather than a cowardly one. I know most people will think it was the “right” one. But it has left a huge gap in my life which I cannot see my way past.

Heartbroken, I grieved for more than a year. I watched while he met and commited to someone who was free. Even now, more than a week since he last made contact, I nurse an insane hope that he will renew our relationship. Insane to wish myself back in that impossible situation in which we found ourselves.

I found an inner strength and I am no longer the dependent person who was once commited to him. He, on the other hand, has never grown up or learned to communicate on an intimate level. When we talk, which is rare, it’s about school, diary dates, practical matters. We veer away from anything that would mean engaging at a deeper level and live in a vacuum of emotional sterility.

I fill every moment with work or activities so that I don’t have to face the crisis in my life. I’m starved of personal space at home because he is always there, and dread being awake when he comes into my dreams. Every night I cry. Worst of all, I carry a deep anger directed largely at him because my life hasn’t worked out the way I wanted it to. It’s not a nice feeling and doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

I am terrified about what will happen next in my life when it will be my time to get married and become someone’s wife. Who will want me then? I’m too scared and too guilty to do anything to jeopardise the status quo. He was not a bad person. None of this is his fault. My parents and sis are confident little people who adore me. Who am I to upset their world?

On the other hand, am I selfish to need reassurance that I am more than just a provider, a daughter, a sister, or a friend? I don’t think so. A true partnership is when one’s emotional needs are subsumed by love, whatever the circumstances. I miss him.