That Girl Is Me

That girl in the mirror in the bathroom...

The girl who is seemingly laughing at a joke.
Look her in the eyes, and what do you see?
Sadness, anger, lies hidden by a porcelain mask.

That girl walking down the hallway, smiling.
Do you see that slump in her shoulders?
It's ever so slight, barely noticeable, but it's there.

The girl at the lunch table, laughing so hard.
A smile cracking her happy face to pieces.
But do you see that finger tracing her wrist?

That girl who talks about her family
Like they're the jewled devils of her being...
She hides scars on her back from the beatings.
And in her eyes, the scars each have a memory...
Permenantly implanted, stuck and captured.

That girl in the bathroom...That girl in the hall.
That girl at the table having such fun.
The girl who raves and rants praises about her family.

The girl with the sangfroid...The cold bloodedness.
That girl with the gray mixture of tears.
That girl with the scars on her back
And new scars forming from pink to white on her wrists.

That Girl is Me.

Falling Apart

I've kept it hidden,
For so long.
I've pretended
To be okay.

But now its breaking through,
Pushing to the surface.
I'm falling apart.
Not sure how much longer,

This mask will last.
I'm falling apart,
Drowning in pain.
Don't want to live,

But I'm scared to die.
I'm falling apart.

When Someone You Love Has Hurt You

How to Start over Fresh Again and Leave the Past in the Past?

" It happens far too often. Words can deal a fatal blow to a relationship. "

People say mean and hurtful things, sometimes intentionally; to hurt the person they love the most. Once the words are out, it's impossible to take them back. The pain and hurt is usually entirely too clear in the eyes of the person who was hurt.

Hurting words can come from spouses, best friends, coworkers, siblings, parents, etc. No matter who it is that hurts us, the fact is words can sting with a vengeance. Rather than hold on to something that's done and can't be changed, if we choose to let it go, chances are the relationship will heal and flourish.

Sometimes the hurt is so deep and remains embedded deeply within the heart of the person who was hurt, and they walk away from the relationship. Too often pride stands in between the person who did the hurting and the person who was hurt. Instead of trying to make amends and healing the relationship, pride takes over on both sides, and a once loving relationship is nothing but a memory. It doesn't have to be that way.

When someone has hurt us, it's all too easy to just throw our hands up and walk away from it all. That's the easy way out, but it's also the losing way. You and the person that hurt you both lose out because you lose each other. But if we stop and ask ourselves why the person said hurtful things to us to start with, it could help the situation immensely.

Sometimes, though not always, a person will say something that hurts because they are stressed out or going through really rough times. They use us as bouncing board, someone to vent their frustrations out. But rather than vent what's really going on, the stress comes out as hurtful words to us.

Tired of Being Lonely

Tired of living in this homeless house,

Sitting in this empty chair,

Breathing this lonely air,

Accompanied with these dreadful tears,

***

Blurry dreams of togetherness,

Torn apart by confident reality,

LOVES' absent fidelity,

Seems to have -beheaded me,

***

In my hearts' wilderness roams a wilder beast of pain,

Queen of her land never to be slain,

For her companionship is thee only one that could tame,

'Till then she remains,

Toying with my feelings as if it was just a game,

***

See i have no one to call my own,

Just wishes of a relationship,

So tired of being alone,

I pray to sleep with happiness...

***

“I just can’t understand how people spend all time sitting alone at home!”

"You don't Understand"

I don't think you understand,

Then again many don't,

But I thought you would understand,

Then again I guess you won't.

***

Is it that you don't trust me?

Like my father did before?

Why has it change?

Or maybe you just changed more.

***

It doesn't have to be this way.

Why are you torturing me?

Little by litttle my minds gone insane.

I'm crying can't you see?

You are supposed to be the one to wipe up my tears,

***

But now its all you to blame,

You are supposed to be the one to chase away my fears,

but now your the place from which they came.

I really don't think you understand,

Things arn't as they seem,

I can't try to make you understand,

Cause you just won't listen to me.

You just don't understand.

“Most people don't understand me not because they can't it's just that they won't try.”

Over-passiveness can break relationship:

When love generates in the initial stages each other wants to behave accordingly to their taste of their partner. When the closeness develops obviously one thinks that he/she belongs only to them which is generally known as passiveness, but it creates distance between both in the near future. Because in passiveness you demand everything should be done according to your wish or liking which surely hurts your partner. If your love wants to be strengthened try to give her/him more comfort from your end, so that she/he will be happy in your companionship and makes her/his mind only for you. If you are so caring for her/him, try to give more from your side by expecting less from your end. I think this type of attitude will surely built strong and healthy relationship.

Possessiveness will be counterproductive and may land you in grief in the long run. At that time it may be too late to even regret. While it could be construed as love from your side and may thrill your girl friend/boy friend/wife/husband no end for all the attention she/he is getting from you, in time to come it may prove an irritant to her/him. It would even put her/him off. She/he may come to resent it because that is when she/he will feel that you are monitoring her/his every action and deed. So go easy, and don't get over-possessive.

To possess means to own. Do we own our partner? Do we own their time? Are they our slaves? If you ask anybody these questions, you will hear a definite no. But some of those who say no may be very possessive about their partner. The relationship breaks down after sometime hurting both the partners very badly. Why are some people so possessive? Is that a complex of some kind? Are they afraid that their partner may be snatched away by somebody else? Or do they want their partner to spend all the time with them and no body else? Does suspicion come in to picture? Suppose you come across some emails of your partner. Would you look at them? Would you then ask your partner about the mails? What if your partner is late on a day? Are you happy to see them back or you are angry about their coming late? Do you demand the explanation for being late? If your partner is speaking on phone in a low voice, does that make you feel suspicious? Do you suspect that they may be speaking with their past lover? If someone sends an invitation to your partner for some party, do you insist that they should not go alone? Those who are possessive will try to control every minute of their partner’s life. They never allow the partner to use anything gifted to them by anybody else. They do not want the partner to talk about the past. They rather hate that. They treat themselves as the superior of their partner and try and control every activity. In the end the partner refuses to take this any more and the relationship breaks-up.

To love somebody is a great feeling. But the result of love should be pleasure for both the partners. If one partner feels like an animal in cage, that is not true love. This is how I am feeling these days.

Untitled

I am on a ship which is not allowed to sail
They put me into the custody and cancelled my bail
I tried to come out of it but every time I fail
How can you put an innocent into jail?

The only thing which I hated
Is that I’m always been overprotected
I am still alive but seem to be departed
My wishes went unnoticed
And dreams shattered

You asked me to be strong and bold
I tried to do what you have told
When ever I put my step forward
I was neglected and scold

Death of an Innocent

****************************
I went to a party, mom,
I remember what you said.
You told me not to drink, mom,
so I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, mom,
even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, mom,
as everyone is driving out of site.
As I got into my car, mom,
I knew I would get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me, mom,
so responsible and sweet.
I stared to drive away, mom,
but I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn’t see me, mom,
and hit me like a load.
As I lay here on the payment, mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, mom,
and now I’m the one who will pay.
I’m lying here dying, mom,
I wish you’d get here soon.
How could this happen to me, mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, mom,
and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, mom,
I’ll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, mom,
I swear I didn’t drink.
It was the others, mom.
The others didn’t think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I’m feeling sharp pains now, mom,
and pains just like a knife.
The guy that hit me is walking, mom,
I don’t think it is fair.
I’m lying here dying, mom,
and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, mom,
tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to haven, mom,
put “daddy’s girl” on my grave.
Someone should have told him, mom,
not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting short, mom,
I’m becoming very scared.
Please don’t cry for me, mom.
When I need you, you were always there.
I have one last question, mom,
before I say good bye.
I didn’t drink and drive, mom,
so why am I the one to die?
****************************

" I DID NOT WRITE THIS. IT WAS SENT TO ME AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT! "

It doen't intrest me...

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own without having to hide it, fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own. If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you till the tip of your toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, and to remember the limitation of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint others to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayals and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even if it’s not pretty every day and if you can source your life from God’s presence. I want to know if you can live with failures, mine and your own and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon. Yes I can. It doesn’t interest me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of fire and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me what or where have you studied or with whom. I want to know what sustains you from inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be done with yourself and truly like the company you keep in empty moments. It doesn’t interest me but I want to know.

People change.

---------------------------------------

Tears glistened in my eyes

as i said something like this:

your the only person I’m not,

supposed to miss,

so why are you doing this,

i think you got it wrong,

although I’ve held up you,

I’m not that strong,

your supposed to be my best mate,

why are you telling lies,

you no that they are,

you even avoid my eyes!'

and you glanced up and said,

'I don't need a friend like you,

and you looked at everyone,

and said 'its true'

I turned away and started to walk,

I was always there

when you needed me the most,

and now you don't care

you've shown me the real meaning,

of I hate you,

lives sometimes strange

I once called you my best friend..

I guess people change!

Frustration (2)

You're smiling, like a simple rose

but hatered is too hard to hide

its too clear

that you cant stand to lose

or to see that im safe inside

i wont cry this time when i see you die

or freeze in disbelief

i know that this will hurt but i

will breathe out in releifive had it,

from the pain im in

its getting darker but i wont let you win

or watch you

play my mind again

its getting darker

i wont give in

In the beginning I had it all figured out

I didn't think there was anything to worry about

Blinded by bliss I couldn't see the road ahead

One wrong move and my hope was dead

I didn't realize what I was doing at all

I couldn't see what I was doing would bring about my downfall

Then I found myself on the ground all of a sudden

And for what? Nothin'.

Nothing Remains

------------------------------------

Whatever appears to leave us

actually does not leave.

Whatever appears to stay with us

actually does not stay.

Nothing remains.

Everything is a mystery

of constant gain and loss.